Last week news broke that Steve Harvey was having some ugh "relationship issues". His ex-wife, Mary, posted three You Tube videos that have garnered about half a million views. In these videos Mary accuses Steve of multiple affairs and that his current wife was his mistress. So about your book Mr. Harvey- no thanks. In light of the Steve Harvey "I've Been Married Three Times but think I can give you relation advice" situation I started thinking about my own trip down the self-help bookstore aisle. Back in 2006 I read any relationship book I could get my hands on. I was 27 years old and I thought I was ready to get married. As a Christian woman I shied away from books like "He's Just Not That Into You" and latched onto Christian relationship books by authors like Joshua Harris and Michelle McKinney Hammond. I was hooked. I bought book after book thinking that each one would hold the formula to me getting married. Then after I had spent too much money on Ms. Hammond books I realized. SHE'S NOT MARRIED. She's been writing for over 20 years and SHE'S NOT MARRIED. I remember her books telling me things like:
- I am a flower waiting to get picked by my man.
- Don't approach at all.
- Never call.
Things of that nature. Now I am all for being a Southern woman and luckily I am involved with a Southern man who never leaves it up to me to call but SERIOUSLY? A flower? What? It reminds me that we need to listen to ourselves and not try finding answers in a book.
With over two thousand self help books being published around the world every year, there is a plethora of books available for women needing relationship advice. Some of them are OK, some are indifferent and others are just awful. The titles of some of the very popular books include blunt ones like 'Catch him and Keep him', 'The Rules' (written by two now divorced women), and "What to Do Until Love Finds You". While others are more subtle "Getting Serious About Getting Married". HA! What gets me is that many people say men are simple and women are complex yet there aren't half as many books telling men how to get the woman of their dreams. Where are such titles as: "She Can't Get Pregnant Forever", "She's Waiting for You to Call Her Back" or the more subtle..."Don't Say You'll Call if You Have No Plans to Ever Call." We won't see aisles and aisles of those books. Clearly men have figured out that relationships aren't covered in step by step manuals. No two people are the same and every personality trait that you have is not completely covered in these books. Every relationship is unique and has its unique circumstances. The trick is to understand your partner and know what makes him tick, and the real fun in any relationship is in figuring that out. So don't make the mistake I did and let the relationship 'experts' take the fun away by mapping out your relationship for you and telling you what turn to take at every single crossroad.
With over two thousand self help books being published around the world every year, there is a plethora of books available for women needing relationship advice. Some of them are OK, some are indifferent and others are just awful. The titles of some of the very popular books include blunt ones like 'Catch him and Keep him', 'The Rules' (written by two now divorced women), and "What to Do Until Love Finds You". While others are more subtle "Getting Serious About Getting Married". HA! What gets me is that many people say men are simple and women are complex yet there aren't half as many books telling men how to get the woman of their dreams. Where are such titles as: "She Can't Get Pregnant Forever", "She's Waiting for You to Call Her Back" or the more subtle..."Don't Say You'll Call if You Have No Plans to Ever Call." We won't see aisles and aisles of those books. Clearly men have figured out that relationships aren't covered in step by step manuals. No two people are the same and every personality trait that you have is not completely covered in these books. Every relationship is unique and has its unique circumstances. The trick is to understand your partner and know what makes him tick, and the real fun in any relationship is in figuring that out. So don't make the mistake I did and let the relationship 'experts' take the fun away by mapping out your relationship for you and telling you what turn to take at every single crossroad.
Trying to manipulate your partner using time tested theories and ideologies is a perfect recipe for disaster. *I should know*. Instead, spend time with your partner and get to know each other. Explore your partner's personality and find out what upsets him and what cheers him up. And when the tough times come- and they definitely will- figure out a solution together.
During my relationship back in 2006 I followed every rule in one of those books and I didn't act like myself at all. As a matter of fact dating was awful. My mom and my best friends would ask why I wasn't having fun. And I realized IT WASN'T. It felt like a job. Now I'm just winging it and I make mistakes but...honestly it's more fun that way.
Oh and if you DO want any of those books. I am a books seller. PLEASE buy them. Happy Shopping: http://www.amazon.com/shops/A1LQHWB28V5S5P
This time last year - I could have been a walking bookstore for every Christian marriage help book available. I learned how to be a helpmeet, find love languages and love and respect with the best of them. ::Snort:: In the end...my marriage ended...and you know what - as hard as it was to admit - I am so glad it did.
ReplyDeleteI've never been one to think divorce was fine and dandy...but I honest to goodness now realize that me being safe, healthy and happy and growing in Christ - is WAY more important to Christ than me living in the same house as a man who raped, abused, cheated on, neglected and used..just because I signed a piece of paper and said vows.
I think marriage is sacred. But I too know that no book, pastor or "person" can tell us how to manage ours...because like you said...we are ALL different and must learn our own way.
My ex husband...he never tried...didn't want the marriage...and frankly...I couldn't force him to. Relationships aren't a "one way street".
Sorry for the ramble...lol...good luck in your relationship! Stay true to yourself and keep working on it!
ah...Ms McKinney...I bought two or three of her books and quite frankly, I was left empty. I read He's Just Not That Into You and even though its not in the Christian realm of reading it is common sense. He's not calling because....he's not that into you period. No analytical reasoning required. As for Mr. Harvey, I didnt drink the Kool-Aid on those books for alot of reasons. lol.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Love the way you are evolving as a mature young lady. Keep writing! Books can not tell you everything. Life is the best teacher. By the way, glad you finally started listening to Tricia and Me.
ReplyDeleteVery astute observation about Steve Harvey "the relationship expert" and his book. Same goes for Hill Harper and his book. And everybody else and their books. People are a Master of their OWN opinion and experiences. Everything is situation-specific. We can learn from their mistakes, and get a good chuckle out of some of the stuff they say. But none of it is Bible.
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