I got on Plenty of Fish and Tinder for a few reasons, one of them being that they were free. I also like the fact that Tinder won't connect you unless you both swipe right so that's good or so I thought. I set both profiles and narrowed my net to black, ages 30-40, no kids, near Nashville, taller than me and sat back and waited. Let me just stop here and say there are some very very attractive men with no kids online. I was shocked. I started getting messages on POF first and we were off and running. After ignoring a few guys that were around the just turned legal age (more on that later) or that just weren't my type I finally got a message from I guy that I thought was attractive. We'll call him Neo Soul Nazi.
Neo and I hit it off immediately. Lots of calls, texts, and he asked me out in what I thought was a reasonable amount of time. He was college educated, a member of Kappa Alpha Psi, had a great career, liked sports, and was ready to find his nubian Queen. I should have known when he used the word nubian that we might not jive. I'm not Neo Soul. I'm not granola. I like pork. I like sports. I like hip-hop. I like sugar. He of course hated all of that. I brushed it off anyway and got ready for our first date. He was thinner than what I prefer and shorter but what's that phrase? "God's blessing doesn't always come in the package you thought it would" yeah that's the phrase. So I thought hey he might be short and skinny but he's cute! We hit it off that night after seeing a movie and getting dinner. Then the other shoe dropped. My family loves a good gathering. We like to be together and eat. So on the Fourth of July we had a cookout at the park. Neo got mad because I celebrated the Fourth when "we ain't free". He also sent me the full text of Frederick Douglass' speech "What to the slave is the Fourth of July". Sigh. I'm just trying to eat my fish sandwich and be with my family. I should have known then that something was up but I was trying new things. After he got over my family's betrayal I friended him on Facebook. Word to the wise always find them on Facebook at least to know if they have "friends". Once I accepted his request I did a little (a lot) of snooping on his page. He loved his mom, loved his sister and brother and was absolutely crazy about his 3 year old niece. I was kinda giddy at this point. But I kept scrolling and there they were. The religious posts. For those that don't know me I'm a Jesus-loving, born again Baptist and would like for my mate to be the same. Neo definitely did NOT love Jesus. His posts made a mockery of Christianity with memes and he started telling me about his "religion". I'm still not sure what it is but let's say it entailed the fact that I would not be allowed to take my kids to church, celebrate pagan holidays, or worship near him. Bruh what? He also stated that he would not get married in a church. After having what I'll call an interesting conversation about religion he also dropped this nugget: he's a vegetarian, his body is a temple, no swine will ever touch his lips but he smokes a lot of weed. NEXT.
After Neo came Neil Armstrong. Neil was FINE do you hear me. FINE. F-I-N-E. Just my type physically for sure. He was 6'9 (faints), dark chocolate, and very fit. He also had a fascinating job. He was an engineer for NASA. I'm lowkey obsessed with NASA so I loved our conversations but there were some pink flags early on. First, his pics on POF and those that he would send over the phone looked dated. Now I know everyone doesn't have a smart phone but these pics were grainy at best. I would ask him to send me a pic of him right then and he would take forever. I started feeling Catfished. Then he called. Y'all he sounded like somebody's wayward daddy who had smoked Kools for 25 years. He sounded OLD -older than my dad. Neil also had a bad habit of speaking about me in wife/future terms yet we had not met. That made me uncomfortable. He said he was falling for me and was ready to take me off the market. Dude...slow down. After a few weeks of this love affair in his mind I decided to Google him. I mean let's be real a 6'9 NASA engineer with no kids, no random girlfriends, and loves God seems like a catch. So I took to the internet and there was nothing on him. Absolutely nothing. There was definitely an engineer at NASA with his name but that turned out to be a short, pudgy, white man. After ignoring his texts for a few weeks I received four pics from him. All of his very very old looking penis. NEXT!!!!
While Neo was ranting about white Jesus and Neil Armstrong was lying about his entire life Psycho Steve appeared online. I thought oh he's OK looking let's see what we have here. We began messaging on POF and although I like attention Steve took it to another level. I could not put the phone down, read, use the restroom, or get a manicure without being questioned. Where are you going? What are you doing? Why do you shower so long? How long does it take you to drive to work? Why can't you text during a manicure? Why are you ignoring me? Are you asleep? Are you in class? Luckily I changed my number around that time. I feel sorry for the poor sap in Illinois that gets my old number. Steve is probably still texting to this day.
After those three I thought let's go swiping on Tinder. Tinder feels more like a game anyway so I figured it would be much more fun. Just like on POF there were tons of cute guys there so I started looking. Every guy that I thought was cute had already swiped my pic so I had lots to choose from. But there was one guy, we'll call him the Kid, who was the most attractive guy I'd seen online and he'd swiped yes for me first! He lived nearby and knew how to dance that fine line between attentive, take charge guy and psycho Steve. He was also extremely sweet. The kind of guy that you don't really think exists but secretly pray that they do. Oh and did I mention he was REALLY REALLY CUTE? I was already thinking of ways to pose with him on Instagram JUST to show y'all how cute he was. Now remember I had an age range/limit. I don't know what it is but younger men are always attracted to me. I've dated one older man in my life. All others have been younger from a few months to a few years but soon I found myself in new millennial territory. On his profile the Kid had his age listed as 33 very very age appropriate for me. However, one night on the phone he dropped the fact that he was still in undergrad on me and I thought I'd ask his age again just to be sure. Life happens. Maybe he'd been in the Armed forces, entered into the workforce early, etc. No. None of that. The Kid nonchalantly tells me he is in fact 25. I lost it. I think I screamed at him for a second. First of all why lie about your age? Second, what in the world do I have in common with a 25 year old man (other than the fact that I really liked looking at him)? I can't drop Smurfs or He-Man references, Cosby Show quotes, or early 90s R & B lyrics. I was born under President Carter. He was born under President Daddy Bush. When he started Kindergarten I was driving around town in my shiny red Prelude. I was at a loss but then I realized that I had actually started to like the Kid so I thought that since he's mature, FINE, sweet, and just a really nice guy who seemed to like me I wouldn't write him off. I then began to notice that he wouldn't tell me where he worked. Is he Tommy from Martin? Is he a stripper? He definitely has the body for it but I digress. After a few weeks of texting (not too much calling- he's a millennial) I asked him about the gap between high school and college since he was 25 and just now a senior. Acting as if he had no idea where I was going with my line of questioning he says "no I didn't have a break between high school and college". So in TLC Behind the Music fashion let's do the math. Most students graduate high school at 18. He's 25. If there is no gap he's been in college 7 years right? So I asked him how long had he been in college, he answers me with 4.5 years so he started at 20-21 right? No. I ask him again how old he is and I get 22 then half a second later 23. So let's recap. Tinder says he's 33, he says he's 25, then a few weeks later he's 22 and then a few seconds later he's 23. What? Do you know how old you are honey? Did I hang out with a child? Why are you lying? I haven't decided how I'll proceed with the Kid because he is in fact just the cutest! A young, millennial liar, who might be a stripper but cute nonetheless.
For the past few days I've been ignoring the notifications and messages from my dating apps just to take a breather but here are my observations:
1. Scorpios are psycho and are absolutely the worst. THE WORST and I see why they need help dating. Psycho Steve and Neil Armstrong are both Scorpios.
2. Younger men are all about Black Debutante. As long as younger equals 33 I'm game.
3. Redneck white men who live in cities known for being the birthplace of the KKK send me the sweetest messages. That's disturbing and unwanted.
4. I now start all conversations with do you believe in Jesus. If it scares them off oh well.
5. Guys...I DO NOT WANT PICS OF YOUR PENIS. WHY IS THAT A THING WE DO NOW?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to see what messages I've gotten in the last hour and keep you posted.
Until next time,